All I want for Christmas is a day off from work and I’m not even a Christian! This time of year can be the best/worst time to be in sales. For some of us, we make a killing. For others, it’s slow AF. Regardless there are some universal things we all want this holiday season.
I’ve taken the liberty of compiling the ultimate Christmas list for the closer in your life. Now look, this is satire. If you’re here to get offended, then you’re in the wrong place. This post is about good clean fun, hence the STD-free hookers. If you’re looking for offense, watch football. This blog was written to make you laugh, not offend you.
In case you wonder what to get that special someone you know who works in sales this season, don’t worry, Santa Closer has got you covered. Here’s all you need to know:
VIP at the Strip Club – Working in sales is stressful. We need to cut loose. The hard working ladies at the local upscale nudie joint are the perfect people to relieve the tension from all those “NOs” we have to endure hearing every day.
Country Club Membership – For those of us who don’t enjoy throwing dollars at young ladies who agree to rub our junk for $20 a dance, there’s an alternative. Instead, you can go chase balls with old dudes who have too much money.
CRM That Actually Works – Every company asks us to use their CRM, but most of them were designed by Dorris from engineering, not Trent the top producer. We need a salesperson to invent a CRM. The problem is, the good ones are too busy closing sales to worry about data management.
Customers Who Don’t Lie – We know buyers are liars but just once, we’d like someone to tell us they are ready to buy and mean it. Or we’d like a customer who promises to send referrals to actually send them.
Management To Stop Complaining – We know your job is to try and fire us up, maybe try to motivate us by rewarding us instead of berating and degrading.
A Fly Ass Wardrobe – Because you need to look fly AF to close sales in most industries. Plus, “every girl’s crazy about a sharp dressed man!” – ZZ Top
A Watch Worth at Least $5K – When someone asks us what time it is, we want to say, “It’s time to get paid,” while looking at a sick ass watch. Plus, let’s be real, most of us wonder how much longer we have to deal with the bullshit each day and it’s nice to glance down at an expensive watch to remind you why your tolerance for bullshit is so high.
Coffee(because it’s for closers) – Alec Baldwin dropped one of the best sales speeches ever and the worst Donald Trump impression. His coffee is for closers speech is a legend in sales. We sales folk need all the energy we can get. This job is draining.
Health Insurance – Being 1099 commission-only makes it damn near impossible to get insurance. If we could just find one carrier that would cover us without costing us an arm and a leg it would be nice. But that’s too much to ask for these days. Just like it’s too much for our employers to pay it for us.
A Full-Time “Be Back” Bus Driver – If you’ve been waiting on the be back bus to show up for too long, it’s time you got a driver. Next time the prospect says they will be back, you can schedule them a courtesy ride.
An Operations Staff Who Gets It – I think it’s management’s cruel joke to pair us salespeople with support teams who are clueless. If you’re going to give us someone to help, at least be sure they can actually formulate a sentence and do their job. We close people and the operations staff always seems to screw it up.
Someone Else To Take All the Blame– IDK about you, but I’m tired of being the only one who has to say “sorry” for other people’s f*ck ups. It’s hard to sell more when the operations staff is screwinig up your referral pipeline. Let the damn HR department take the blame, no one likes them anyway.
Decent Leads – By decent leads, I mean people who want to buy our stuff, not people who opted in for a free TV and are mad at us for calling them, trying to sell them our products. Kangaroos aren’t leads.
STD-Free Hookers – Not all of us choose to bang hookers, but when it happens we’d like them to be disease-free. Doesn’t seem like too much to ask for.
A Reliable Dealer – Most of us have something we get from a dealer. Not all of us, but most of us. Most of us also have busy schedules, unlike most dealers. We just need someone who can drop by the office at 2pm on a Wednesday without bitching.
Referrals – A Christmas wish come true would be for all the clients who promised if you gave them a deal they would send you referrals, to actually come through. I’d be rich AF if this happened. “Come on, Santa Closer, get it done.”
A Cloning Machine – instead of hiring assistants and junior sales reps, a cloning machine would be nice. Good help who gets it is hard to find. I’d rather just have two or more of me doing what we do best, closing shit.
Brass Balls – I don’t even know what this means, but it sounds cool and a lot of salespeople say it, so we want it. The pair like Alec Baldwin had will work just fine.
A Real Day Off – Sales is a grind. It never ends and the best salespeople are closing 24/7. That being said, we are human and need a break. Problem is, on our normal breaks the boss always calls us into work. Or worse yet, the client wants to come in on our day off. Enough is enough. Is one full day off too much to ask?
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